Advent
The mass this Sunday is the opening of Advent, and a special family mass.
The priest adresses himself specially to the children in his homily and
throughout the mass. He defines for them what is meant by the «Heart»:
« We do not mean that organ whose function it is to pump the blood
around in our bodies» he says, «it is rather the part of us that is not bodily
by its nature; it is our soul.» «Advent is a time of preparation, of opening
up that part of us, in order that Jesus can enter. Because he cannot enter
into a person that is closed, and He will never force Himself on anybody.»
You know the expression: «that person is full of himself/herself?»
If a person is already full of himself/herself, there is no space for God.
Because God can't get in if there is no room.
(«there was no room in (the inn»)
But if we allow Him, who is already present in us, to act in us, and solve
difficult situations, we will see that nobody can do it better than Him.
«For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being»
(Romans 7:22 )
After Mass, there is lunch together with the children, their parents and
the catechists in the Parish Hall. Lots of food, good food, and also good
wine. Afterwards, the priest shows a cartoon on
the big screen, and then there was craft activities for the children.
The woman friend of the priest is also there. Regarding her, one of the
parishioners had gone to the priest a couple of weeks beforehand, and had
spoken to him in a very direct manner regarding the danger that the woman
posed for him, because of his proximity to her.
He had thanked her, he had seemed grateful, and asked her to pray for him.
"Your love must be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is
good. Be devoted to each other with mutual affection. Excel at showing
respect for each other. Never be lazy in showing such devotion. Be on fire
with the Spirit. Serve the Lord.»
(Romans 12: 9-11)
By doing that, the parishioner exercised the love of God, it was an act of love
and care for him. She did him a favour. And also to the whole Church community.
Because with the rumours and speculations going around, and the fact that he did
not seem to have time to talk to anybody any more, it had become a problem.
«You are right», he had said to her, «she wants me, as a man, and I told her that
is not possible. But you are the only one that has come to me and spoke about it
to me personally, even though I know that people are talking about it».
«If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense.
If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back.»
(Matthew 18, 15)
Why do we criticize priests, if we never pray for them, and never support
them? They are, after all, human beings, just like the rest of us.
They have made the choice to consecrate their life to God and to serve us,
His children.
Sometimes they let us down, and that is always personally disappointing.
When a flaw or a weakness in their character shows itself in human
relationship, remember what the Bible says:
«Stop trusting in mere humans,
who have but a breath in their nostrils.
Why hold them in esteem?»
(Isaiah 2: 22)
It does not matter who it is, we are all faulty, weak, sick in mind and
body.
Yes, priests too. That is why we all, including the priest, confess at
every mass,:
«I confess to almighty God, and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have
sinned through my own fault, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have
done, and in what I have failed to do; and I ask blessed Mary, ever virgin,
all the angels and saints, and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me
to the Lord our God.»
One day, I speak to a woman about praying, I say that I feel that if sometimes
my prayers are not heard, it is because something in me blocks them from
being heard. That it is my fault.
«Oh no, not at all», she says, «it is not your fault, and we do not know why
that happens».
But I do not agree with her, I maintain it is my fault, and my fault only.
It is because that the more I pray, the more conscious I become of a part
of me that is distrusting.
It is that part that creates a barrier sometimes.
And anyway, how can she know that it is not my fault?
St.Thérèse maintained that what hurts God the most, is our
lack of confidence in Him.
Her teaching is in essence about full surrender to Him.
«Slander»
Weekday Mass
Mass is ready to start, and just before Father Nicolas arrives, a couple
comes in to participate, I recognize them as the parents of the priest.
They live far away, at the other end of the country.
Last week his sister and his brother-in-law turned up during mass,
to pay a visit.
Attachments
We have evening mass, the Gospel is the one where Mary Magdelene
discovered that Our Saviour Jesus was no longer in the tomb.
In his homily Father Nicolas makes a link between the cave that Jesus
was born in, and the cave he was buried in.
It makes me think back to a few years ago, when I thought how great it
would be if I could just live in a cave and pray the whole time!
When Mass is over, myself and one of the Sisters asks Father Nicolas if
he wants us to prepare the Sunday masses as well, as we have both noticed
that he seems to prefer to prepare the big occasions himself.
We are just looking for clarification, because if that is the case we don't have
to turn up so early in the chapel.
«Ah, yes», he says «I have a bit of an obsession with doing it myself, and that
is why I will leave it to you, I have to let it go».
«But I need to be able to depend on it being done, and done in good time.»
A Catholic priest is supposed to give up all worldly attachments, and even
that is an attachment!
«Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world,
you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving
for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our
achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this
world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave.
But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.»
(1 John 2: 15-17)
"Those who weep or who rejoice or who buy things should not be absorbed by
their weeping or their joy or their possessions. Those who use the things of the
world should not become attached to them. For this world as we know it will
soon pass away.»
(1 Corinthians 7: 30-31)
The Village
Going into the church, we see that it is another priest who is
celebrating Mass.
This is strange, because Father Nicolas is our parish priest, and
he has not said anything about not being there this Sunday.
And he always tells us in advance if he has to go away.
At the end of the Mass, the priest asks us to pray that the replacement
of Father Nicolas «will happen quickly».
Lots of people had heard talk about his term here coming to an end in a
few months time, which was expected, but this turn of events seems unusual.
A few days later
We are 6 people who have turned up for the preparation of the next
Sunday's Mass.
«Well, I am really annoyed with Father Nicolas » says the woman who
leads the meeting, «I heard from a friend of his that he is gone to Germany,
but he has not said anything to anybody, and he does not answer his telephone.
What if somebody dies, who is going to do the funeral?And will he come back?»
Something is wrong.
He is gone away, and has not said anything to anybody, nobody can get in
contact him, all we hear is something about «his brother who is sick».
But that does not satisfy as an explanation, people becomes unsure about
what is going on.
I am talking with my friend on the subject of celibacy for Catholic priests.
Some people maintain that catholic priests should be able to marry,
because they say that it is against human nature, unnatural.
(hence the pedophilia problem, they say).
So it is not according to nature.
But the Christian faith is not a religion of nature (paganism).
It is a Supernatural faith; based on the pedagogy of the Cross,
and out from our human nature it goes
beyond and above; it is metaphysical.
When the powerful drive and life giving sexual pulsion is renounced,
when it is really understood and given voluntarily, it does not
become supressed.
It is offered, suffered, sacrified, surrendered, it becomes His again,
and it is transformed by His power.
The priest will offer it on a daily basis, it is a daily sacrifice,
He gives everything.
The fact that the sexual impulse and drive are so strong, is exactly
what makes it so valuable.
When something is given freely as a gift to God, God transforms it.
Because Jesus said to Fr.Dolindo Ruotolo, a mystic, in the
Novena of Surrender:
«I perform miracles in proportion to your full surrender to Me and to
your not thinking of yourselves»
As the famous Irish Father Brian D'Arcy said once in a television interview
when asked about how difficult this was:
«Yes, and if it wasn't difficult, there would not be much point in it!».
In other words, the higher level of difficulty, the higher level of value.
«Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our
hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" Therefore you are no longer a slave,
but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God.»
(Galatians 4, 6-7)
“But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you:
and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea,
and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth.”
(Acts 1, 8)
We believe that nothing is impossible to God.
But the priest also needs our help and support, if we are really living our
faith that means that we belong to the same family as the priest, and it should
be our concern to help him.
But as we know, this is often problematic for the Church.
Jesus spoke the truth always. He upset the moral authorities
of the day, the scribes and the pharisees. He did not conform to their ideas.
He did not set out to be a rebel, but he always told the truth.
He did not set out to have thousands of people flocking to Him, in fact He
was often forced to flee them.
People came by themselves, because human beings will always be pulled
towards God.
Because God made us in the first place, we did not make ourselves.
Jesus held nothing back, He gave everything, his life and agonizing death
on a cross. He was The Truth, and He still is. The Truth cannot be modified.
When people modify a little bit, (and we do it all the time, all of us,)
then it is not longer the truth.
Jesus paid the price for speaking the Truth,
He did that for me and you.
We are told that if we want to follow Jesus, we must do like him, take his
Spirit and make it ours. He is the model to follow, to imitate.
He is the Way, The Truth and The Life.
And The Bible is the book that tells the whole truth about us humans.
Another night:
There is Mass scheduled for tonight, and several people turn up, but not
the priest; Father Nicolas. We pray the Rosary instead.
The priest has not said anything to anyone, and we wonder if he will be
there for the catechism class tomorrow.
Catecism class:
The children are all present. Father Nicolas is there.
«Welcome back, Father», I say in a neutral voice, and he looks sheepishly
awkward, but apart from: «Ehhh, oui, hmmmm,» he says nothing.
"Guilt for something you didn’t do, but want to do"
This is a tough type of guilt to handle. It’s true that you didn’t actually
commit the act, and so you’re still sitting on the moral high ground.
However, we all know that the very fact that you’re contemplating an
act that violates your own standards can be as guilt-provoking as the
act itself.
If you're beating yourself up for these forbidden and taboo thoughts,
you can try the good old Freudian defense mechanism of repression
(where you stop up the hidden desire) or denial (where you don’t
acknowledge it). However, this is unlikely to lead to a satisfactory
outcome because by defending against your feelings, you may actually
fall prey to them and behave in a way that gives you reason to feel guilty.»
(https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201208/
the-definitive-guide-guilt)
«But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent
has already committed adultery with her in his heart.»
(Matthew 5;28)
But as a teacher the priest is good, and the children are amazing, they are
bright lights! I love them, they touch and inspire me!
«At that time the disciples came to Jesus and said, "Who then is greatest in
the kingdom of heaven?" And He called a child to Himself and set him before
them, and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like
children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. "Whoever then humbles
himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.»
(Matthew 18: 1-4)
Later that night
I am at my drawing course, and the professor teaches us on the concept of the
perspective, optical illusions, manipulations.
While she is showing me drawings of dutch artist Maurits Cornelis Escher,
I am drawing parallells with our minds, where images and impressions are
stored. Imprints.
But when something is looked at from slightly different perspectives, it appears
different....it changes everything.
The artist Daniel Arasse insists that perspective is an invention and not a
discovery, that "it does not exist before it is invented".
The perspective invented is linked to conditionning; formatting.
We might think that they way we look at a situation, or the way we
perceive a person, is objective, but very often it is not.
There are prejudices simmering under the surface of our awareness,
about everything and everybody.
But if there are as many versions of «reality» (perspective) as
there are people, what is the real truth?
«Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one
comes to the Father except through me.»
(John 14:6)
Beyond our minds, the eternal (:outside the realm of time) truth;
is totally objective, unchangable.
It is infinitely loving, powerful and intelligent.
And the only way to find it is through Jesus Christ, because He is His
Only Son; The Word made flesh.
I am meeting my friend Chantal in the Chapel, we are praying the Rosary
together, with the special intention of praying for Father Nicolas.
Chantal is convinced that there is already a physical relationship between
him and the woman..
«Give us aid against the enemy,
for
human help is worthless.
With God
we will gain the victory,
and he will trample down our enemies.»
(Psalm 60:11-12)
We both feel that the woman's interest in the priest is beyond that of a friendship,
and Chantal tells me that the priest has already admitted that to her, when she
spoke to him about it before.
She says she will go back and talk to him about the danger that this woman
poses to his priesthood.
We both have the impression that the priest does not realise the danger he is in,
that he has been able to convince himself that it is purely a friendship between them.
Preparation of the Mass
In the morning we are having the Preparation of next Sunday's mass.
The second reading is:
«I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can
spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him.
But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how
to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman
who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the
Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about
her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this f
or your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever
will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.»
(Corinthians 7:32-35)
Again the subject of whether it is an advantage for priests to not be married,
comes up, as from this reading, the idea is that it will render him free to do the
Lord's work.
The woman who leads the meeting mentions Father Nicolas as an example of
someone who is not more free because of it, as she says that he is very attached
to his own family of origin.
She does not mention the more obvious threat of the woman friend, she does
not seem at all concerned.
There is however, a general agreement that all is not well with the priest, and
somebody says that he suffers from stress.
In the afternoon I am at a prayer meeting with the man whose daughter had
received the worrying news about her unborn baby. The baby had been born
a few months ago, and the mother has now
been told that there is no need for any more tests, the baby is perfect!!!
He shows us photos of her, she is absolutely gorgeous, and she certainly looks
like the picture of a normal, healthy and beautiful baby.
Praise God. God, you are all good and all powerful.
«And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have
what we asked of him.»
(1 John 5:15)
During this meeting, the concept of time comes up.
God created everything and everybody in «time».
Our task is to find our way through the fog and density of time;
the world ,
and to find Him in the timeless; the Eternal.
And we start from here, in «time».
«What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on
those who have wives should live as if they do not; those who mourn, as if
they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy
something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the
world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is
passing away.»
(1 Corinthians 7:29-31)
We also hear from someone who was born during the 2.world war, and
who recounts how two comrade soldiers who were fighting during this
war, promised each other to protect the other with their own life, it was
a pact of pure love. Literally: I love you, and I am ready to die for you.
«We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. So we
also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters»
(1 John 3: 16)
One morning
I arrive for the preparation of next Sunday’s Mass. I see the priest’s car
parked outside, and I am happy, thinking he will be present with us.
That turns out to not be the case.
Towards the end of the meeting, we see him returning, on foot, as he
passes in front of the glass door of the parish hall where we are, to enter
into his living quarters. He does not come near us.
It is the preparation of the Mass, was there anything more important than
that that he had to do?
Some women exchanges looks, but nobody says anything.
We all know that his female friend lives nearby.
In the afternoon I pray the Rosary, when I come to the decade of the Nativity,
I have a real sensation of being «born again». It links up with the 1.st
Glorious Mystery; The Resurrection.
«Jesus answered and said to him, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born
again he cannot see the kingdom of God."
Nicodemus said to Him, "How can a man be born when he is old? He cannot
enter a second time into his mother's womb and be born, can he?" Jesus
answered, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the
Spirit he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. "That which is born of the
flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. "Do not be amazed
that I said to you, 'You must be born again.' "The wind blows where it wishes
and you hear the sound of it, but do not know where it comes from and where
it is going; so is everyone who is born of the Spirit."
(John3: 3-8)
In the 4.Joyful decade; The Presentation, I remember how much I wish to be
fully present with Him, and I see the blockages in me again; the anxiety that
became embedded in me as a child.
As a way of managing the situation, I separated myself from myself.
I see the link to the 2.nd Sorrowful Mystery; The Scourging at the pillar.
Again, I decide to let go of the fear of being hurt, the fear of pain and of being
mocked.
The next day
I am talking to someone who explains to me in detail what it was like to live
through the withdrawal from heroin.
It was intense suffering from one nano-second to the next.
It forced him into total presence; there was no past nor future, only NOW.
In other words, the mind did not have a chance to play it's tricks or follow
it's escape mecanisms.
My mind goes to Jesus suffering His Crucifixion.....
Sunday Mass
The priest announces at the end of Mass that he will be absent for the
next 6 weeks. He is going to a monastery to recharge himself.
There are comments amongst the parishioners: he goes away for such
a long period, and it is even during Lent, such an important period for
the Church.
Is it because the rumours about him and his female friend has taken it's
toll on the priest?
But it is true that he has not done anything to eliminate them, on the
contrary. She was sticking much too close to the priest, and that could only
happen because he allowed it, he wanted it too.
Knowing as we do, what so many priests have done up through the years,
it is difficult for us when we see a young, strong, intelligent and attractive
priest spending his time with a young and attractive woman, who announces
to everybody that she is looking for a man, because she has left her husband.
It is normal that the parishioners talks about the situation, they wonder what
is going on, because it seems that all is not good.
Paris , France
«Do not trust in men, trust in God. Blessed is the man who puts his confidance
in God. Who has his source and strenght in Him. Him who we belong to, but
who does not belong to us», says the priest in his homily.
We are at mass in
in Notre Dame de Lorette, on the hill of Montmartre,
just down a bit from Sacré Coeur.
«Yes, let yourself be used as transmitters, but never forget that it is not you
that are working, it is God who is working in you.»
Later; Paris, France
«Ladies and Gentlemen, due to security problems on the track, the train will
be delayed 15 minutes» announces the woman over the system.
She continues: «with the security of our passengers in mind, we will deal
with the problem as soon as possible»
Soon after she comes back and repeats the same message, but this time it
is 30 minutes delay.
But in the following announcement she says: «we have lost a wagon».
People are starting to look at each other.
Then she says ,: «wagon 4, 7 and 12 are missing»
Some people are laughing out loud, but it gets worse.....
In the next announcement she calls for the conducter to show up, as he
also is missing!
Then the delay time becomes 40 min, and the announcements are continuing
with:
«Ladies and gentlemen, we have found the missing wagons, but the train has
not showed up yet»
The delay time is now 1 hour.
She reiterates the problem on the railway line, but finally there is the good
news that the train is there!
Thank you, God, I was relying on you.
The Village in France
There is Mass, I am there in the chapel early on to prepare, but when
people start to arrive, several of them look at me with a hostile and
strange expression and something that looks like disgust.
I do not know what is going on, nobody says anything.
Actually, it makes me think; last tuesday, at the preparation of the mass,
the leader turned her head around to fix me with her eyes while saying
that «people that talks bad about people were carrying out crucifixions».
I found that a weird comment, it seemed to be directed at me,
but she did not say any more.
And also, just before the start of Mass recently, the man that is going to
be ordained deacon soon, comes over to say hello. He droppes a comment
about "me not being very nice", all the while smiling and laughing, and
moving on without saying any more.
Something is going on, but nobody wants to say what it is.
A village in France
Father Nicolas is back.
He announces at the end of Mass, that «he is very upset
and surprised of all the bad rumours about him».
He underlines heavily that he was on that retreat «because he was
exhausted, and needed a break, that was all».
That it was a long time coming, and now that he has had time and peace
to fortify himself and to come back and take control of the situation and
his life.
But now many people are angry and disgusted, because he was himself
responsible for the rumours, by his own actions, and the actions and words
of the woman.
At the time he said nothing at all, instead he ran away, and now instead of
maintaining the silence, he blames the church-goers for the rumours about
him!
It would have been much more Christ-like to maintain the silence,
to be non-defensive, like Christ himself.
«Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for the kingdom of heaven is theirs.
You are blessed when they insult you and persecute you and falsely say
every kind of evil against you because of me. Be glad and rejoice, because
your reward is great in heaven. For that is how they persecuted the prophets
who were before you.»
(Matthew 5, The Beatitudes10-11)
«But the Lord is with
me as a dread warrior;
therefore my persecutors will stumble;
they
will not overcome me.
They will be greatly shamed,
for they
will not succeed.
Their eternal dishonor
will never be forgotten.»
(Jeremiah 20:11)
If there was no truth in the rumours, why come out now, at this late
stage and justify himself?
It is a strategic move, he wants to stay in the Church, which is good,
but I see both arrogance and ambition in the priest, and that does not
come from Jesus.
We wanted to protect the priest from falling into a trap that he could
not extract himself from, and by talking realistically about the situation,
we decided to pray for him.
«Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for
it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
Romans 12:19)
In the sacristy, the woman that takes care of the money, seems angry
with me too.
She says that all this is due to one person, one person who has
«crucified the priest». This sounds like last tuesday.
I am being made a scapegoat, but how did that happen?
I am not looking forward to the pilgrimage to Lisieux that is going
to take place in a couple of days.
Another night in the chapel
Mass tonight, Father Nicolas appears to be completely back to his old
self, which is a relief.
Maybe he had to make that public statement to draw a line in the sand,
to put it all definitively behind him.
Ok, he is human, another sinner, but he is a good priest.
Now I feel more optimistic about the pilgrimage.
Pilgrimage to Alençon and Lisieux, France
We are visiting the town where Saint Thérèse were born and spent
the first 4 and a half years of her life.
The priest that guides us is young, he describes the parents of Saint
Thérèse, who are also saints; Saint Louis and Zélie Martin.
I am especially touched by the description of the father:
Louis, who was a very deep and prayerful man.
He loved to go to the garden and just meditate and pray for long
periods of time.
He wanted to become a priest but was not capable for the latin that was
required, so he became a watch maker and a jeweller instead.
Zélie was a lace maker, a very sucessfull one.
Night time the same day, Lisieux, France
Arrived at l'Ermitage where we will be staying for the duration of the
pilgrimage.
I get my room number, where my room mate has already arrived.
On entering, I present my self, she does the same, and then she tells me
that she is a snorer. Great.
She has a wheezy breath. I look at the table. A packet of cigarettes.
A smoker too.
«Oh, I must remember to take my tablets», she says. Oh my God,
medication too. This does not look good.
I have been up since 5 this morning and has had a long journey, like all
of us, I am exhausted.
Anyway, I get into bed as quickly as possible, and the my room mate
goes for her shower. She comes back out, gets into bed too, and then
starts to read.
Ok, maybe I can try to sleep with the light on. She sees that I am trying
to sleep, the beds are very close, but she continues to read. Ok, maybe I
will wait a little bit, she will probaly be tired too, maybe it wont last too
long. She is still reading.... still reading.....
After an hour I ask her nicely if she thinks she will be reading for much
longer. She goes and puts a jumper over one of the bulbs, there is two
together on the same switch.
It makes little difference, and anyway, it is probably dangerous, it can
ignite a fire. I say it to her, and she takes it off.
After another while she turns off the light.
It starts immediately. It is incredible. It is not snoring, it is an earthquake,
even the walls are vibrating.
It is insane, and after a while I start to go insane too.
It is impossible, I I have to get out. But what can I do now? I look outside
in the corridor, everybody is asleep, I cannot wake up the people in charge,
they are also asleep, we have all had a long day.
Ok, I have to prepare myself to leave. I take a shower and get dressed again.
Then I take my pillow and blanket and go to the corridor, which is completely
deserted. I lay down on the concrete floor, it is hard, it hurts. There I spend the
night, without sleeping.
The next morning I get a new room, to myself.......
The pilgrimage lasts for 4 days.
The new bishop is with us.
What a great achievement and crowning glory
for the organiser; Father Nicolas.....
I go to confession in the Basilica on the friday.
Later that night there is also Adoration and
confession in the centre of the Ermitage, but since I have already
gone to confession in the Basilica that afternoon, I retreat to my
room after Adoration.
On the last day of the pilgrimage, Father Nicolas's parents turns up,
they come back to the Ermitage to eat with all the pilgrims.
As they enter the dining hall, the pride in their son is clearly visible
on their faces.
They do not seem to see the faces of many of the pilgrims who are
suspicious of their son, and I say to myself as I look at them: « there
is no need to be that proud of him».....
Back in the village, and during Mass this morning Father Nicolas talks
about the pilgrimage
and mentions «those that did not go to confession».
Then he says in regard to the gospel of the day that «those sheep that are
not of this sheep pen, I must bring them also», that is in reference to those
who are not baptised.
“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as
the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the
sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also.»
John 10, 14-16 )
Has he forgotten that he turned my friend away, when he came to him
for guidance, and wanted to be baptised?
«Do not come back here again», he said.
No explanation, just: «go away».
He had no right to do that. It is not his private church, it does not belong
to him, it is universal, it belongs to all the people of God.
His reference to the people that does not confess, is probably aimed at me,
since no doubt he noticed that I did not come for confession in the l'Ermitage
centre that night in Lisieux.
He also, is blind to his own faults.
He judges without knowing, he preaches about conversion of the heart,
but his own heart is hard.
I tell the Headquarters of the diocese that this priest was not carrying out
his duties.
They seemed to be aware of it already.
This is what the Bible says TO PRIESTS:
"Don't let people do that to you, put you on a pedestal like that. You all have
a single Teacher, and you are all classmates. Don't set people up as experts
over your life, letting them tell you what to do. Save that authority for God;
let him tell you what to do. No one else should carry the title of 'Father';
you have only one Father, and he's in heaven. And don't let people maneuver
you into taking charge of them. There is only one Life-Leader for you and them
- Christ. "Do you want to stand out? Then step down. Be a servant. If you puff
yourself up, you'll get the wind knocked out of you. But if you're content to
simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty. "I've had it with you!
You're hopeless, you religion scholars, you Pharisees! Frauds! Your lives
are roadblocks to God's kingdom. You refuse to enter, and won't let anyone
else in either. "You're hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds!
You go halfway around the world to make a convert, but once you get him you
make him into a replica of yourselves, double-damned. "You're hopeless!
What arrogant stupidity! You say, 'If someone makes a promise with his
fingers crossed, that's nothing; but if he swears with his hand on the Bible,
that's serious.' What ignorance! Does the leather on the Bible carry more
weight than the skin on your hands? And what about this piece of trivia:
'If you shake hands on a promise, that's nothing; but if you raise your hand
that God is your witness, that's serious'?
(Matthew 23: 8-18 )
When Mass is over, Chantal comes over to say hello.
As usual, she sits and waits until everybody is gone, so she can be alone
with the priest.
It was she that had gone to speak to him about the danger of his female
friend who was sticking too close to him.
She told me that she had told him «to cut off completely with the woman».
He seemed to have listened to her, because the woman and all her children
do not come to the church anymore.
She has also moved house. She does not say hello to me when I meet her.
But when Chantal was in hospital recently, Father Nicolas came to visit her
several times. When I went to visit her, I asked her how he was, as he had
been away on his retreat.
She said that he had been very upset about how those people was talking
about him.
She seemed to have forgotten how she herself was talking about him!
She told me how the old women in the nursing home where she was
working were saying that the woman's baby was that of the priest.
And she was always going on about how her husband had seen the priest
and the woman together in the car, «looking like a married couple».
But now all of a sudden, there is a complete turnabout as she is saying:
«those nasty people were talking about him».
She has certainly changed tracks!
When I told Chantal how many people have become hostile towards me,
without saying why, she took an audible intake of breath. She became very
quiet, unusually for her, and said nothing for a while.
Then she says with a weird tone: «You want to leave, don't you, you want to
avoid Father Nicolas don't you?»
What does she mean??!
I have been in the church since early morning, I leave to go home,
it is time to eat lunch.
But that comment bothers me, because I don't understand.
But bit by bit it dawns on me what has been going on.
She has been slandering me to the priest.
I always maintained to her that I did not believe he had «done anything»,
while she herself insisted that he had!
But now I realize she has been saying that
I was the one that was behind the rumours!
I am not imagining the coldness and the comments.
Even though nobody says anything to me directly.
The priest is sticking the blame of the rumours on me.
Those rumours that has been going on for a long time,
that everybody was talking about,
due to the fact that he was always hanging around with the woman,
and all the things that the woman herself was saying to everybody
about their relationship.
I am sad. Yes, Christ is resuscitated, but also Judas has never gone away.
I remember how angry Chantal became the time that I missed a phone call
from her, because I had left my phone elsewhere.
When I saw her message, I answered, but then she did not answer.
She was angry with me because of that, because at that moment,
she had had a fight with her husband, and she needed to talk to someone.
«Those who crosses me, always lives to regret it», she said.
Not a christian attitude.
When I asked her what I had done to her, she did not answer.
But she got her revenge, apparently.
Her motivation?
I do not know, but jealousy seems to be a recurrent theme in my
relationships with other women.
«Don't rely on a friend; put no trust in a companion; guard the doors
of your mouth from her who lies in your embrace.
Son disrespects father; a daughter rises up against her mother, a
daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; the enemies of a man are
those of his own household.
But me! I will keep watch for the LORD; I will wait for the God of my
salvation; my God will hear me.
Do not rejoice over me, my enemy, because when I fall, I will rise; if I sit
in darkness, the LORD is my light.»
(Micah 7, 5-8)
Later the priest left the parish unannounced during the period of
Christmas after saying to someone that he had to go and help out
on the farm of his parents. This is a parish priest!
When is this charade going to end?
No, he does not need to go and help out on a farm, not even that of
his parents.
Few days later
There is Rosary and Mass tonight.
As I enter the chapel, Father Nicolas is there and he tells Sister Anne
that he is going to do a baptism.
So we who are praying the Rosary together, do so in the little Oratory.
The noise in the chapel where the baptism is happening, is quite loud,
we can hear kids running and shouting and it seems like they are on roller
blades!
As Mass is over, we enter the main chapel, and we see that it is the
woman friend of Father who is there, it was obviously one of her kids
who got baptized.
No problem for Father to find time to baptize anyone related to her, but
I also wonder about the timing. It is odd.
There is something twisted about this set up.
This is followed by Mass in the little side chapel of Saint Joseph, the
woman friend stays for Mass with her kids who continues to make a lot
of noise. She seems to be going in and out a bit,
I cannot see her, as I am at the front, but I do see that the priest glances at
her during the Mass.
The look in his eyes is that of a child.
«Acting Out: Defense mechanisms by Sigmund Freud
Acting out can be looked upon as one of the defense mechanisms by which
the unconscious protects itself against being uncovered by the ego. In therapy
acting out can be viewed as one of the borderline defenses. Based on the
Vaillant classification, this defense mechanism is part of the Immature
Defenses category.
Acting Out Defense Mechanism Explanation
There are many possible definitions of "acting out". In brief, you may define
that as particular behavior, leading to the actions instead of experiencing the
corresponding feeling. In the broadest sense, we talk about acting out when a
person unconsciously uses action or any non-verbal communication or
psychosomatic symptom instead of getting in touch with his true feelings,
instead of acknowledging to himself and putting into words what he really feels
and experiences inside himself.
Therefore, acting out is performing an extreme behavior in order to express
thoughts or feelings the person feels incapable of otherwise expressing.
Instead of saying, “I’m angry with you,” a person who acts out may instead
throw a book at the person, or punch a hole through a wall. When a person
acts out, it can act as a pressure release, and often helps the individual feel
calmer and peaceful once again. For instance, a child’s temper tantrum is
a form of acting out when he or she does not get his or her way with a parent.
Acting out is a hidden manifestation of destructive anger. Perhaps the most
dangerous form of destructive anger is one, that is not experienced as anger
or any feeling at all, but is acted out instead. The repressed, unrecognized,
destructive anger can turn also against the self and appear in many different
guises. Self-injury may also be a form of acting-out, expressing in physical
pain what one cannot stand to feel emotionally. The person might suffer from
psychosomatic symptoms, become accident-prone, attempt suicide, or commit
unconscious acts of self-sabotage or destruction in relationships, in his work,
and so on.
In a way, “Acting out” literally means acting out the desires that are forbidden
by the Super ego and yet desired by the Id. We thus cope with the pressure to
do what we believe is wrong by giving in to the desire.
A person who is acting out desires may do it in spite of their conscience or may
do it with relatively little thought. Thus, the act may be being deliberately bad
or may be thoughtless wrongdoing.
More on Definition
Under Freudian/psychoanalytic terms "acting out" is seen as a dichotomy
between the conscious and the unconscious wanting to both send out a
repressed message.
In psychoanalysis, the term "acting out" has misconceptions related to it.
People have given the term the broader meaning of someone throwing a
tantrum, or verbally expressing pent up emotion. In reality, Freudian
psychoanalysis specifies that acting out is much more subtle than that:
the client who acts out clearly unconsciously expresses a repressed,
unremembered something with actions rather than with inaccessible
words, and such actions are intrinsically woven within the
psychoanalytical situation. In psychoanalysis, acting out has a lot of
communicative potential because it sends signs that will indicate to a
therapist the client's repressed, unrecallable memories.»
(http://interpersonal-compatibility.blogspot.fr/2015/07/acting-out-defense
-mechanisms-by-Freud.html. Wednesday, July 8, 2015)
I also remember something else.
When I was present at a planning meeting for the catechesis one night, they
were talking about the upcoming first confessions for the children who were
going to receive their first Holy Communion in the Spring.
They were talking about which of the children were going to confession, and
that prompted me to ask the priest that surely it is obligatory for all the First
Holy Communion children to go to confession first?
I was very surprised by his answer.
«Ah well, unless it is too difficult for the parents to bring their children, for
example if they are working, then it is ok if they dont go».
How could that be?
The day of the children's confession arrives, I see that the organisation of
carpooling to get the children to the church where the confessions were taken
place, was well carried out by the catechists in charge.
All the volunteers necessary were present, with their cars, everything was
arranged to bring all the children there, and then afterwards to collect them.
The issue mentioned by the priest, did not exist.
I also got the list with the names of all the children going to confession; all
the children who was going to receive their First Holy Communion was going,
apart from one; the daughter of the priest's friend. Why was she not going?
She was the worst behaved child in the group, always sulking, resisting,
disturbing, clowning.
Feast of The Ascension
Today is Ascension, Mass is in another little village church not too
far away.
The woman friend of the priest is back in her usual spot on the first
seat at the front row.
Two of her daughters are serving on the altar, and she has another one
with her.
After Mass, there is procession, the emphasis being on the children.
The priest leading and the woman and her children walking closly by
him.
A female member of the church council, laughs out loud when our
eyes meet during the procession, it is as if she says: «this is too weird,
it is ridiculous».
I do not think that the priest is aware of what this looks like to most
people. It seems that he is declaring his love for this woman.
But he has been unavailable to many of his parishioners.
I am tired, disappointed, sad.
A Tuesday Morning
I do not feel like going to the biblical exchange that takes place
this morning. Not after having being picked as scapegoat by the
woman in charge.
My desire to participate is no longer there.
My friend goes, and he comes back happy to have gone, because
he was the only one that turned up.
Next morning we receive a dinner invitation for saturday night.
I am suspicious: «what does she want, there has to be a motive»
In the end, I just send her a reply answering yes, I say to myself that
it is best to not complicate things, it is only a dinner invitation.
She replies back: «Great, Father Nicolas will be there too!»
We are now not clear about the set-up for the night, I phone to find
out. Are there a lot of people coming, is more or less an open door?
«No, no, it is just you two, because you are friends, and the priest, and
the new deacon,» she answers.
Now I am suspicious, because of «friends»?
Is she just filling her psychological need to dominate people, to teach
them what is right and wrong, and to be in the position of teacher,
which was her profession before she retired.
I have now no confidence in this person, what do she want with this
dinner?
Next day
The dinner went fine, there was nobody saying anything exeptional,
it was uneventful. It became clear after Mass that Father Nicolas did
not know that we were going to be eating dinner together.
First Holy Communion
The First Holy Communion for the kids today makes the church full.
Chantal approaches me after Mass,
I did not want to create a scene, because she is very reactive, and there
wasn't one.
But I cannot deny that I am disappointed.
Some people are thinking in ways that I cannot comprehend, things gets
twisted and turned.
I do not apologize for having spoken about things I that I saw in front of
me, what we all saw,
it is normal, it is not gossip, because gossip does not relay facts, but
hearsay and speculation.
I am sad, «mais, heureusement, il y a Dieu» ( «but fortunately, God is there»)
He is alive, living power, and He is close.
Mass
As I receive holy communion from Father Nicolas at Mass, there is
such a look of condemnation on his face as he gives it to me, that I feel
quite shook afterwards.
My God, this is crazy, what is going on?
At the preparation for next Sunday's mass, the new parish priest
enters, and greets everybody individually. I do not know who he
is until somebody says it: our new priest!
He seems nice, and afterwards I check him out a bit on line: I learn
that he has a special link to Vietnam, and he talks about how extremely
different it is to western culture.
How this radical otherness is a dimention spirituelle, it leads to a
«letting go», a surrender. I understand what he means.
Being a practising catholic implies intense personal developpement work
and surrender to God, every moment of every day, in order that the awareness
of who we are, and of who we can become, can increase.
Holiday
We go on holiday, we leave early in the morning and stop and visit an abbey and
a museum on our way. At night we sleep in the car that is parked in front of the
church of a village.
Very handy, as we go to mass the next morning. Good priest, good homily.
He points out that many people do not go to mass because they do not like the
priest. «Forget that, he says, because the priest is only a sinner, too»
We visit a rural museum as we continue further north, and spends our next night
in another village.
The Village of Pontmain
Mass in the Basilica and a guided tour in the afternoon. This is one of the
four recognised apparitions of Our Lady by the Catholic Church, and yet
I had never before heard about it.
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