Your requiem Mass is just over, Marie.
It was beautiful, Marie; beautiful homily by a beautiful priest,
and a dignified reading of the Prayers of the Faithful,
by one of the two nieces that you loved so much.
Thank you Marie. For your friendship, love, support;
all of which came straight from your heart, you succeeded
in doing something that is very rare; you showed me God,
you transmitted His love, His true love you poured into
my heart. By your true and living faith in Jesus, His Only Son
you supported and strengthened my faith in Him also,
so that I could dare to let go of myself and trust only in Him.
When you needed to be left alone by everybody,
I think I did, at some level, understand.
The wound of rejection at the start of a child's life, is deep.
One of the first things you told me about yourself was the hurt
of rejection you felt as you learned from your mother that you
had been adopted. What you were left with was the conviction
that your biological mother did not want you since she gave you away.
Despite the good family you were adopted into, a family which you
loved and respected, you still struggled with feelings of not being
worthy of love,
(the child in you reasoned like how else could your
biological mother have just given you away?)
all your life.
And then when your husband Paul died so tragically, after only a
few short years of marriage, you felt again that you must not be
someone worth loving, since the closest people in your life;
your biological mother and father, and then your spouse, just left you.
I remember you told me that you became angry with God,
it was Finbar, Finbar, who was so perceptive, who asked you once,
in Medugorje, if you were angry with God, and you said yes.
The wounds of rejection; and in particular the one derived from the
primary relation; the one to our biological mother,
I understand it, because I also suffered from it. It is imprinted on a child's soul.
It is so strong that it motivates a person's actions, decisions and behavior,
even as adults and often for the rest of their life.
It becomes the filter through which we interpret subsequent events, they are
seen through this perception of being rejected; again and again.
It is strong. And it is false, a lie.
You were loved, Marie!
People loved you for who you were, so lively and cheeky, so much fun, and more
importantly, so loving and caring.
You touched people's heart and lives in a way that few people do.
You touched the heart of the priest who celebrated your requiem Mass while ago,
and he only met you once!
The people that loved you most wanted to protect you from more grief
and pain when they told you to be careful.
There was no rejection, there was love.
But you interpreted that as being rejected once again; you told me
that nobody wanted you to be happy, not Finbar, not your parents, nobody,
but the truth is that everybody wanted you to be happy!
But this psychological trigger was too strong.
In listening to the homily of the priest this morning, to whom you made your
last confession and to whom you poured out your heart of your inner conflict,
you must have finally realized this.
Perceived or real rejection by others can often lead to self rejection.
That is the real content and meaning of suicide.
But nobody is judging you Marie, nobody.
God only, and He knows the love you spread here on earth.
So many people in the Catholic Church, which is the only Church that has the full
truth about God and on how to be reunited with Him, are unable to bring others
into the Church because of their lack of genuine and pure love in their relationships
with others, even though their words are correct, they are often conveyed in a
cold and dry way. Many even drive people out this way.
"If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have absolute faith so as to move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing"
(1 Corinthians 13:2)
God Is Love
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been
born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God,
because God is love."
(1 John 4:7-8)
And there Marie, you were a success.
Paradoxically, you yourself had arrived at this deep connection with God through the pain and
grief suffered by the loss of your husband Paul. Our crosses brings us to True Life.
Thank you for your friendship, Marie.
May you Rest In The Peace of God.