Awareness
In the work with the children that I look
after, there are many
challenges, there are some fun moments and some
difficult ones.
I know that as a disciple of Jesus, the onus is
on me to tell people
about the reality of God's
presence on Earth.
It requires complete respect for people that
do not want to hear
anything about the teachings of Jesus, and also
great sensitivity
in general. The choice of words is of utmost
importance, and there
must be a total absence of catch phrases and
slogans which demeans
the religion, and awareness of who we are
talking to.
Today with the youngest child of the family,
she took out one of the
Rosary beads I had brought to them, (after
getting permission of the
mother, of course).
I introduced her to the prayer of the Rosary,
she listened to me, and
there was a moment of excited recognition
on her face when I came
to Jesus in praying: «blessed art thou amongst
women and blessed
is the fruit of thy womb; Jesus»
Because a few days ago, she looked through a
children's book on the
First Christmas, and the cute little baby
whose name was Jesus.
Then there in the playroom, she came across
this same character, she
recognized his name, and her face lit up at
the mention of his name!
How great is that!
A
town in Ireland
It is the feast day of St.Clare, and I am in
the chapel of the convent
of The Poor Clare's, people are praying the
Rosary with the nuns,
(who we can only hear) in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and
after Benediction, the people present are invited to
come in for a
cup of tea.
The Sisters are there, but behind the grill,
and queues are formed
in front of each one, as people come up to talk
to them individually.
As they are a closed order this happens only once a year; on this
day; the
feast day of the founder of their order St. Clare.
They all look extremely happy, they are
radiating with joy. I talk to
two of them, I am delighted!
A City in Ireland
As I arrive in the queue for confession in the
Church, the elderly
lady waiting in front of me turns her head to me
and says: «Sure,
I have no sins, sure, we had nothing».
I am tempted to ask her what she is doing there
so, but instead I say
to her that surely there must be something?
But I think I understand what she means,
probably something along
the lines of;
«we were poor, and the struggle for survival
took up all our time, and
so we did not have the time nor the energy
to get up to mischief». I
am sure that is true.
But with increasing awareness of who we are,
(or who we can be),
comes increasing awareness of the operations within ourselves, and
the ability to see
the things in us that prevents God from acting
through us.
There is not a single person on earth that does
not have sins.
It is not enough to go to Mass or Confession because «this is
the way I was brought up, my parents made me go to Church».
Ireland
During tonight's prayer meeting the person
leading the prayers
says that it is up to each and every catholic to
learn more and
inform himself about the Faith, it is not anybody
else's
responsibility.
It's true.
Something came to me:
This chapel is very dear to my heart,
because of all the healing
and support I have received here,
and this is really where my personal
journey back to God began.
An example of how prayer are heard by God;
When someone I know became sick (an illness of the mind),
appr. 8-9 years ago,
I sat in this very chapel and prayed
that he would be well, I
prayed that he would come to know the Healer Himself, Jesus;
the only One
that can truly heal.
I prayed that he would come to this
very chapel!
He was not a christian,
had not been baptized, and had
not received any christian or catholic education.
Some years after his hospitalization he met a christian woman
of the orthodox faith, and they married.
When I met her she told me that her
church community meet once
a month, but I did not ask where the meetings takes place.
She told me that her husband came
with her, and that he found it
interesting.
A few weeks later, as we sat waiting for the prayer
meeting to begin, my eyes fell on the boxes of stuff
packed away
at the side and the corner of this beautiful chapel.
I asked the man next to me if he knew what it
was, and he was able
to inform me that it was things used by the Orthodox Church-goers,
as they
celebrate Mass and have their prayer meetings here too, in this
very
chapel.
With a smile I remembered my previous prayer for the sick man.
Goodbye
Yesterday was my last day with the
family.
I am a bit sad, because I love
them all, and I will miss them, but I
know it is time for me to go.
But while providing a service for them, it also
provided for me a
setting for further personal development and strengthening my
ability to handle difficult situations.
In the prayer of Our Father: «and let us not
enter into temptation»
is a reminder, that if we keep doing the same things, we will
always
obtain the same results.
Therefore I have to be awake
in all the ordinary situations
of everyday life, in order to avoid «following
my feelings»
The awareness is important in order to see our defense mechanisms.
My principal one is a "distancing" one: I go
away emotionally.
But it is not possible when the
only thing required is that I am
entirely present, so I went beyond myself.
« France; the eldest
daughter of the Church»
Prayer
group, France
I am back with the Rosary Team, in the presbytery of the city's Basilica.
There is a weird, tense and hostile atmosphere
as another woman who is
not part of our group shows up, I have the
feeling that we are being
supervised.
She is very critical, with constant remarks
against the leader.
I do not know what is happening, but it is an
uncomfortable meeting.
I have however never seen anything wrong here,
we always come
together and pray correctly, according to the program. The young
woman in charge of our team has always been
perfect in every way,
she is gentle, loving, caring, friendly, and
obviously very spiritual.
After the meeting is over, I stay with her to
find out what is going on.
She tells me that she has been suffering under
this atmosphere for
months, there are lies and rumors, people are
acting as the worst
hypocrites ever, her health has suffered, and she
tells me she wants
to resign as leader.
I stay with her, and I tell her that I do not
want her to resign, and that
she needs to talk to the priest in charge
of the teams.
Then I tell her what I experienced last year in regard to Father Nicolas.
There are many similarities. I know how it affected me
psychologically
and mentally, so I can actually understand what it is
like.
Two days after I meet her again, and she tells
me that she has been to
see the priest, and told him about it.
After another two days, she tells me that the
woman who is behind the
slander, was screaming and roaring at her, in
the church! The priest had
spoken to her about the complaint, and she did not like it...
Again, the cause and the source of all this
badness, was pure jealousy,
because our leader had done very well
with her team. She had put in a
lot of effort, because her motivation
was pure: she loves The Church
and she loves Our Lady. She is also very beautiful.
Village in France
Waking up this morning, I think about the dream
that I just had:
I
was in my house in Ireland. I had been caught in an awkward
situation as I had received 2 invitations which clashed, 2 different
people had invited me to their house at the same time.
Then there was a big bus in front of my house which was picking
up all the
people who was attending.
For
some reason that I cannot remember, the person between the 2,
which I did not want to
visit, was the person in whose house I ended
up in.
(This
was the only person clearly identifiable in the dream: it was the
main "hangman" and "executioneer"; the person
that slandered me last year)
She
had sent out invitations to many people, but at 20 minutes intervals.
The
next people that arrived, (after 20 min), was a couple, not too young
in age.
The
next thing that happened was that a little girl, around 6 or 7,
appeared.
It was summertime, the girl was wearing a white summer
dress,
she was carrying 2 little trays with
strawberries.
She was charged with the task of
selling them to neighbours and
local people, to raise money for a
cause; this had to do with her school.
With this in mind, she knocked on a
door, but the other female guest
who was also present reproached her harshly
and she seemed to grab
her by the shoulder and said: «You do not do that here, in this
neighbourhood,
you have to go and do that in you own place!»
She was angry.
The next scene I saw, was the little girl in the distance; I
had to
concentrate first to see that it was her, as she was a bit
blurred first.
Looking closer, I saw that it was her. She was on a
slightly winding
road that was turning upwards, surrounded by green
fields.
The
strawberries had toppled over on the ground, and the little girl
was
bending over trying to pick them up. She was anxious.
I woke up, and I realized that that little girl
was me.
I remembered that I actually had had a dress
that resembled the one
in the dream, but mine had been lightly
yellow in colour.
White however signifies innocence.
Châteauneuf-de-Galaure,
France:
During Christmas we had a wonderful week a Châteauneuf-de-Galaure,
where we did a retreat, which is basically a program of morning
prayers,
three daily conferences, daily Mass, singing of hymns, confession, praying
of The Rosary, Sacrament of the Sick, Consecration to Our
Lady, private counselling and prayers with priests and other
members of
the community for those who want, Stations of the Cross,
visit to Marthe
Robin's room, 3 meals together every day, and "le goûter" (afternoon snack),
and all that happens in silence, which means
that we are not allowed to talk.
(Apart from confession, or meeting
with the priests.)
On the second day of the retreat, I received a
text from a friend telling
me (I used my phone only to know the time, as mobiles also
are forbidden)
telling me that Father Nicolas has left his ministry
He left the priesthood. This is what I was
trying to prevent from happening.
But no surprise, it was as clear as
light that this is what was going to happen
if he did not get help from the other parishioners, which
he didn't, as they all
chose to turn a blind eye, and attack me instead, as I had spoken up.
When we come back to our village, we learn that
his girlfriend is expecting
a child.
It is the way that it happened that just proved
the unconscious state and lack
of awareness;
if it had been a case of the priest,
after long reflexion, and heart searching,
realised that he could no
longer find in him the strenght to live the celibate
life of a
catholic priest, and then would take the steps necessary, and
planning
his future life and livelihood, it would have been a different matter.
But this is not the case. It is a huge loss for
the church,
and has done a lot of damage to the faith of
the children in the parsih.
This is sad; for him, for the Church.
We also hear that he regretted his decision to leave
the Church straight away,
that he was not happy, and he did not even know if the baby was his. People
are
saying that he had been talking about suicide.
The parish priest came to talk to me, because I had spoken to the bishop about
the horrific slander about me. Now that he knows what I have
been through,
I feel better, it is out. The others denied that
anything had ever been said, but
he knows now what has been
happening.
Family
of Origin
In the last few days I have been in
contact with my sister in Norway.
Just to stay in touch, I sent a mail; to say
hello. She gave me an general
update on family members, and mentioned
that life was difficult for our
younges nephew. When I asked her
what was wrong, she told me that he
had tried to take his own life.
His mother, my eldest sister; I have no contact
with her any more, there
was less and less over the years, and in the
end my efforts; emails, fizzeled
out, because she never responded to
them.
Later on she got sick.
But when I asked this other sister if she knew
the email address to our
nephew who had tried to end his life, I
realised something was up, because
she answered me that «she did
not think he had one», followed quickly by
another mail
saying that M: our sister, did not want me to tell anybody.
M had told her to not tell
anybody. (but she had already told me.......)
I reacted by saying that a reaction like that
is not normal, and that her son
is not going to be helped by keeping
it a secret.
She responded by saying that it was
«important for her to respect M's wish,
and that not everybody
was thinking and feeling the same, and that it was
highly recommended
of me to contact M myself and find out things for myself.»
to
which I replied that it was exactly what I had been trying to do, by
asking
her if she had our nephew's contact details, because I wanted
to know if I
could help in any way.
I sent a last mail, saying that in light of her
effort of respecting M's wish, she
had already showed that she did
not respect it, since she had broken her promise
of «not telling»,
by telling me.
Her response;
«it was completely unimportant who had said what at what time,
if I was interested, I had to contact them myself, and not
go through her».
Since I was not supposed to know, and since M
is not well herself, and also as
there has not been any contact
between us for decades, it was not an option.
But this little episode reminded me, and made
me relive for a little
moment, the atmosphere of denial, lies, always
twisting the most simple
and straightforward thing, that I lived with
in relation to this sister. She
was always a Judas, she always
betrayed me, she always lied and twisted
everything.
It affected me as a child, because I already
did not have a mother who
knew how to be a mother, who did not even
knew how to show a bit of
affection, but if there had been loyalty
and solidarity between us sisters,
it would have helped me.
She lies to herself, and then to me, and then
she is convinced that she is
right.
It is the intelligence that is affected, even
the most simple and basic logic
is absent.
Unfortunately I will have to stop making efforts of keeping contact, I have
tried, but every time it ends like this, and now I have to let it go, because
it goes
nowhere.
The great Lockdown France
It is almost two weeks since the start of the lockdown, we are only allowed to
go out and buy food,
and other basic stuff, everything else is closed. For that
we need to fill out an official government document each time we step outside.
This confinement feels
very........confining.....enclosing.
Im thinking of people incarcerated in
prison cells, how do they live every
day their experience?
Then I think of Marthe Robin, who was not only
confined to her house,
but confined to her bed, not only for a limited period of her life, but for all
her adult life.
After she had received help with the revolt that
she experienced to her
situation; (because she was a normal person
with normal plans and wishes
for her life), she surrender herself
completely to God.
She surrendered everything in her to the will
of God, and in that way she
became available to Him. The one who is could work
through her, as there
was no obstacles in the form of unacceptance.
She has helped me to understand that I
also have present in me, in all
difficult moments, when I see no
solution, when I am enclosed, isolated,
lonely, the capacity of my free will to accept it, to surrender it to God.
To not revolt against it. To let go of the
natural and human opposition to it.
To not resist it. To allow it. To allow it to be. To live it. To
relax with it.
We do not change the circumstances, but we
change our internal configuration,
our settings, our attitude. We become free.
So what happens when I do that? I never know
beforehand, it is every
time a step into the unknown; an Act of Faith.
I lived the entire situation of the imposed
confinement in this spirit, and
it became a fruitful experience for me.
FatherNicolas's girlfriend has had the
baby. It is not clear who the father is,
as she was going out with the postman as well,
and she still lives in his house!
And apparently the former priest is
living there too.
Good God, what a mess.
I wonder did she set her eyes on the
priest, precisely because he was the
forbidden fruit in the garden?
She could have had any man, but maybe
she just wanted him, for the simple
reason that he was a catholic
priest.
Alpha
About a week ago I sent a videolink to some people in a group that I had
been with until I realised that they were more protestant than Catholic.
It
was a homily of a Society of
Saint Pius X priest
who spoke about
protestantism, and how it was contrary to catholic doctrine,
he also spoke
strongly about the bishops who seems to automatically submit themselves
to the
governement, without standing up for themselves and their flock.
In this case it was in regard to the lockdown
and interdiction
of Masses, but it was clear that he was talking in a general sense
as well.
After all, in France there is supposed to be a
separation between church and
state, but in reality this is not the case. The state owns
the churches, and they
govern them too, we should not have any illusions. When the french insists
that in France there is seperation between the two, they are only repeating
what they have heard.
The priest was saying that the bishops were
killing the spiritual life of the
Church. I sent the video link to everybody in the
group.
The next day the leader of the group sent me an
email, to me only, saying
that the priest in question was obviously on the «marge of the
church»,
he was saying that in sending the video I
had made a mistake, but it was
understandable and forgiveable, and
that he for one forgave me,
as I had "obviously been led astray on the
internet during the long days of
the lockdown". He underlined
that his reproach was in regard to the content
of the video, as he said it was: incitement to hate and
discord, and contrary
to the «unity of the churches».
He said that the unity of the churches was the
most important of all, because
Jesus had said it.
As I am more concerned about the unity of the Catholic Church, rather than
working to attain «unity» between the other churches which he is talking about,
(ecumenism) I do not even know what that means, it is just waffle.
The only important thing is keeping the
catholic church together, by guarding
the catholic doctrine, since
our faith is the only complete and true one.
Anyway, I was astonished at his attitude and
reaction.
Who does he think he is? And who does he think
I am?
He decided that I had made a mistake and he was
ready to forgive me....
I answered; adressed to everybody; that I was
not happy with the fact
that their program was put in place by the bishops in catholic
parishes.
It was sneaky, and dishonest, and I wrote that
I felt tricked.
I told him that unity will come when people
conform to Jesus instead
of conforming to each other; to the world, the blind leading the blind.
He then answered me, only to me, that it was
useless to continue, and
told me to stop mailing everybody on the list, as it was he who
was
responsable, and he could not go after me rectifying what I had sent.
Two days after his wife sent me a long
judgemental mail and her
personal life story.
I answered making sure to
be nice and measured,
even though she had not been.
And today I sent an email to the
bishop.
I asked him to explain how unity
between the different churches;
ecumenism, can take place without apostacy.
I asked him why protestant programs are taking place in catholich
parishes.
I wonder will I get an answer........
The
bishop
A week and a half ago I discovered that the
response from the bishop's
secretary had gone into my junk mail. It is very rare that I check
there,
but something made me look, and there I saw
it. She asked me for a bit of information about
myself before proceeding.
In France, more than any other country that I
know, the status, a person's
social standing must be established
before one can proceed......However I
only told her my age, and where I lived.
We spoke briefly on the phone, and she gave me
an appointment to speak
with the bishop the following week.
Once there, the bishop also, tried twice to
establish my profession, I told
him the truth; I do not have any.
I conveyed to him my concern for the catholic
church regarding the
non catholic program carried
out in catholic churches.
Of course, the bishop defended himself. I said that the people who runs
the church does not know the catholic doctrine which
is a serious situation.
I told him that people thought that
«ecumenism» means that catholics has
to get rid of, or at least
blur, the catholic doctrine, in order to fit in with
the protestants,
and he agreed that many people think that way.
I told him that I had been labelled as «fundamentalist», as while in Ireland
I am just catholic.
We spoke also about the terrible situation regarding Father Nicolas, and the
devastations he had left
after him in the parish, he told me that we have to
pray for him,
that he is deeply unhappy, that he is not living with the woman,
and he is not even sure if the baby is his.
I was not sure if he took onboard my point about the slandering.
I had, after
all, tried to prevent what happened from happening,
I though that at
least an exuse would be in order.
At the end of our meeting, we went into the
little oratory, from where
the transmissions of the Masses
had taken place during the lock down
period. There the bishop prayed
and blessed me.
He told me he would pray for my sanctification,
and I promised that I
would pray for him too, which he seemed to be
happy to hear.
The same night I attended the last meeting of La
Maison de l'Alliance
prayer group, before the summer holidays.
Some days later I see that I was wrong, the
bishop had definitely heard
me in regard to my complaint.
That was to be seen in the faces of the others
at mass.
Hostility from some (will I ever get used to
it?), amazement, bitterness,
happiness; all different reactions written on
people's faces.
In France there are many
muslims, is something that really worries a lot
of people.
That is not due to intolerance or rasicm, as
many like to present it as,
especially the media,
it is because they do not want their country to
become a muslim one.
It is natural that they want to protect their
culture and heritage, the catholic
religion is the foundation for not
just theirs, but all of Europe's civilisation.
Islam is something
completely different.
But on this topic too, it is not acceptable to
the political correct people,
to express oneself without being accused of being a hatemonger,
and not
loving one's neighbour.
The massive campaign of brainwashing, of being
told what to think,
is working.
But I do not hate anyone, and I am able to
differenciate between a religion
and human beings.
Back in Ireland, as the lockdown comes to an end, my youngest son cycles
the strech from Mizen
Head to Malin Head in a fundraising,
he raises money for the cancer unit in the
hospital that saved his life when
he was little.
I go on holiday visiting Normandy, Brittany and
surrounding regions.
One day I visit a medieval church in the town of
Provins, and I read on
the information sign that here, in 1429, Joan
of Arc herself, together
with King Charles 7, attended Mass!
I don't have many friends, but I have a real friend, a friendship based on
our
mutual belonging to Christ.
I think it is the first real female friend I
have ever had in my life.
We are not there to use each other, we are
there to support and help each
other and to encourage each other to grow in the love of
God.
I take note of the fact that although she is French, has always and only
ever lived in France, her family roots
are Polish, I think that despite the fact
that Poland also follows the same pattern of
secularism as the rest of Europe,
their roots to The Church seems to be stronger.
I send an email to Archbishop of Armagh and the
Primate of All Ireland Eamon Martin:
«Your
Excellency Archbishop Martin,
I
am writing to you regarding the Church's position on moral issues, as
it is becoming
increasingly
blurred, unclear and vague.
Before
the referendum on gay marriage, the priest in my parish did not even
make a
mention
of it in his homily, and today there are also Catholics who are
pro-abortion.
The
Parcours Alpha course in France which takes place in catholic
churches, does not
mention
the Sacraments of the Church, neither the Virgin Mary, and nobody
makes
the
sign of the Cross.
It
is presented as a basic introduction to Christianity, but for the
Catholic Church it is
surely
the Sacraments that forms the base?
I
know one team member who insists it is "great that now divorced
people can remarry
and
receive Holy Communion in the Catholic Church",
and
that "we must and should now congregate with Muslims and pray
together with them, because there is only one God".
The
horror of the sex abuse scandals and it's denial and concealment does
not provide an explanation, as it was widespread in all parts of the
society; in the field of sport, in every
kind
of groupings where there were vulnerable children, and the largest
proportion of abuse happened in the family unit.
It
does not follow that therefore sport is bad, or that family units are
bad, and that they must disappear.
Has
the Church ceased insisting on her own teaching, in an effort to seek
her survival under
the
hat of ecumenism, like a merger?
I
ask the question because Protestantism is widespread within the
Catholic Church; people
do
not believe in the Real Presence of the Eucharist,
they
do not believe in the Resurrection of the body etc.
Although
they confess it with their lips at the start of Mass.
Very
many do not believe in the celibacy for priests, because they do not
understand
why
that rule is there, as nobody seems to be able to explain it to them
in a way that
satisfies
the intelligence.
Many
do not believe in the right to life of the unborn, they are not able
to differentiate
between
the woman's body and that of the baby, and they think that no matter
what
one
do, "it is ok, one must not judge".
That
means that we have lost the capacity to differentiate between good
and evil,
and
the entire catholic doctrine unravels.
I
understand that in wake of all the scandals, it is not easy to hold
one's ground,
but
not doing so is worse.
The
fact that the Church has lost her position of dominance in former
catholic countries,
is
not a bad thing, as she was never about worldly power in the first
place.
The
evil has to be cleared out. But to allow the Church to slip unnoticed
into
Protestantism
is a serious betrayal of Christ Himself.
The
Church's premier role and mission is to save souls, not to look for
her own survival.»
In the prayers of the
Catholic Church we are often reminded of the fact that we
are going
to die. The reason is not to take away our joy of life, it is to
increase it,
to make us fully present in every moment of the here
and now, and to make us
awake, balanced and vigilant.
I also think about the large context of
the universe; planet Earth as a tiny little
ball in a universe that is only one in an infinitude of
universes. How people can
fail to recognise the existence of God, is beyond me.
Even with the state of the Church as it
is now, we must not lose hope, we have
to stay, in order to be able to work for it's
restauration.
It seems to me that she is taken over
by the enemy, and the decimation is clear
for all to see.
We need to realise that the threat is
not only on the outside of the church.
She needs to take back what she left
behind with Vatican 2.
In the same way that, on a personal
level, my marriage
(catholic marriage is insoluble), by Pope John Paul 2, was deemed null
and
void, by the Catholic Church herself, she can,
deem Vatican 2 null and void too.
It is the Church that decides, and it
is we who make up her Mystical Body.
When I was little, (3-4) and was going to bed
at night, if there were guests
in our house, I used to say goodnight to each person present by giving them
a hug, and after I had hugged them all, I would
hug myself, by putting my
arms around myself, telling myself that I
loved myself.
It was THE ONE WHO IS who was present.
«Je meurs en
adorant Dieu, en aimant mes amis, en ne haïssant pas mes
ennemis, en
détestant la superstition.»
(«I die worshipping God, loving my
friends, not hating my ennemies,
loathing superstion»)
VOLTAIRE (1694-1778), profession de foi
manuscrite, 18février 1778.
«Mot de la fin» écrit
(profession of faith manuscript,
18 february 1778.) («Last word» written)
